Some Quiet Time Thoughts for Today

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." Romans 7:15, 18-19 (ESV)

I wanted to write today, but I find no words are coming.  I'm pondering these verses today.  I feel like I know exactly what Paul is saying here, but I don't know how to break free from it.  My heart's desire is to obey God's commands, to live in an intimate relationship with him, to feel his calling, hear his voice, and to walk in the direction he leads me.  But time and time again I instead turn the other way and do exactly what it is I desire NOT to do.  My prayer today is that I may truly die to myself today and rise again, spirit filled and willing to go where God leads me this day.  My prayer is to be filled with God's love for my husband, my children, my family and friends, and even the strangers I meet.  My prayer is to become closer to Him today. My prayer is that God will give me a passion for Him above anything else. So that I no longer will say, "I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing," and instead I can say, "I delight in the law of God, in my inner being" (Romans 7:22) and He gives me the strength I need to do the good I wish to do, because he is the only true good in this world.

Father, Empty me of me today, and fill me with your Spirit.  Show me your ways.  Father, take control of my thoughts, words, and actions today.  Let your love flow through me and pour out to those around me.  Teach me how to love my family and others.  Show me the good you want me to do today.  Let today not be about me, but about you.  Give me a passionate love for you today, Father.  Allow me to draw ever closer to you, God.  I want you to be my everything.  

Slow Down

I have to admit it...I thought it would be easier to count the gifts.  I thought that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop and my list would just grow longer and longer until I saw nothing but the gifts.  But it turns out it's not as easy as it sounds.  It's not easy to see the gifts when you are always busy, when life moves so fast.  And, really, does life need to move so fast?  Where is the joy in the constantly running and moving and trying to get things done?  It seems one could enjoy life more if one were able to just slow down.  And, so, this week I want to make a conscious effort to slow down.  To take in each moment.  To see more clearly what has been given to me.  To take the time to enjoy life...enjoy the gift.

17. Joy on son's face after earning a reward, and eagerness to keep working towards the next goal.
18. Younger son using the computer.
19. "Mama, I want a hug and kiss!"  Sweet, sweet words.
20. Sunshine and warmth, day spent outside.
21. Smell of fire warming our home.
22. Bible study friends and conversations.
23. Nena always helpful and willing to watch my crazy ones.
24. Internet not working.
25. Words inspiring and encouraging shown to me exactly when I need them.
26. Walking in on child doing exactly as he was told -- an unexpected surprise.
27. Husband returning home.
28. Afternoon spent with family.

Setting the Ground Rules

It's 9:30 p.m. and I'm sitting in this dark room, patiently waiting for my children to fall asleep so that I can get some much-needed rest.  A week playing the role of single mom, and I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.  The children are ready for their "Dada" to be home, and so am I. 

But as I sit here my mind doesn't stop.  I can't help but think back on how our week has gone...starting out well but with that slight downward tilt.  Until today, when we reached full speed going down that hill and all began to spin out of control.  And so I think...of things that might help our days go more smoothly.  Of things that I could change. 

Mama needs some ground rules...not for her kids, but for herself.  And, so, tonight I'm writing them....rules that will hopefully help us achieve a quieter, more peaceful, more efficient, and more fun home. 

And here they are:

Ground Rules for Mama

1.  I will shower and dress every morning before the kids are awake.
2.  The laptop will be shut off when the children awake and may not be turned back on until nap time.
3.  I will give hugs and kisses whenever they are asked for...No more, "I can't right now, I'm busy."  One should never be too busy for hugs and kisses.
4.  I will sit at the table and enjoy breakfast and lunch with my children instead of trying to work through them to get more done.
5.  I will set a timer for work time and do nothing but work during that time.  When the timer goes off, it is time to stop and do something fun with the kids.
6.  I will stop ("red light!", as I tell my kids) when I feel myself losing control.  I will control the tone and volume of my voice, and I will apologize to my kids when I break the rule.
7.  I will let go of perfection and allow things to be "good enough".
8.  I will slow down, take in, see, and give thanks for the gifts given here and now.

Do you set ground rules for yourself, do you think you need to?  If you do, how do you stay accountable?  I'd like to hear your thoughts, especially on the accountability part.  I'm going to share my rules with my kids and let them know that these are rules I need to follow and that they need to remind me if I am not following the rules...just like I remind them when they are not following the rules.  I think my kids will be better at keeping me accountable to my own rules than anyone else...at least I hope so!

Sometimes I Forget

I started out a week ago now counting the gifts.  It seemed to come easily at first.  I'd write down one gift, and then another, my smile growing bigger with each gift I chose to see and receive.  The anxiety went away, the yelling at children ceased for a while, the calm and peace swept in and carried me away to a place where I enjoyed my children, my home, my entire day. 

But sometimes I forget.  I forget the peaceful, happy, joyful moments, and I'm back to feeling anxious over all that needs done, to yelling at my children when they don't behave the way I'd like them to, to rushing around last minute trying to make it here or there on time.

Sometimes I forget.

I want to never forget.  I want to be reminded always.  I want to have joyful...no not just joyful but joy-full...days, countless days filled with joy, peace, laughter, smiles.  I want the joy of seeing the gifts in the here and now to always be fresh in my mind, a constant reminder of the everyday blessings God has given me.

Yesterday I forgot, even after writing a post full of thanksgiving, I still forgot.  And so, today, I begin again.  Slowing down, taking everything in, looking for and receiving the gifts God has for me today.

Father, help me not to forget.  Keep fresh in my mind the joy thanksgiving brings.  Help me to see the gifts you've brought me today, so that I may receive and give thanks and worship you.  Help me never to forget.

Seeing the Gifts

"The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be -- unbelievably -- possible! The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now." Ann Voskamp (One Thousand Gifts, pg. 22)

I begin to feel a change in myself.  It's refreshing, it's exciting...A more peaceful house, because Mama begins focusing on the things to be grateful for.  Less yelling, more patience.  It's work.  Hard work.  And I need more practice.  But after one week of counting the gifts, I begin to feel a change.  Finding the gifts in the here and now, seeing God in the here and now...in my mess...I believe this is the start of a great journey.  And I continue to count...

6. Boy running from doors of school, big smiles, arms open wide for hug.
7. Sleeping until 8 a.m.
8. Rain to nourish the earth in expectation of spring.
9. Hot shower, uninterrupted by the pitter patter of little feet.
10. One child, quiet and content in grocery cart.
11. Jelly beans
12. Husband working hard to build playset, joy of children playing when it is done.

13. Butterfly in swimsuit twirling circles through house.
14. Imaginations wild -- house filled with firemen, policemen, superheroes, ballerinas, doctors, astronauts, and more.
15. All the orneriness in just one look.

16. Promise of spring seen in sprouts of green pushing through brown earth.

Current Project: The Master Bath

I have a home project that has been in limbo for about 6 months.  I began painting and had grand plans to get it finished and decorated, and it just hasn't happened yet.  As far as making our home comfortable and inviting goes, it may seem like an area that doesn't  matter much.  I mean, it is just our master bathroom. The fact is, though, we spend much of our time in this room...it's where we are first thing in the morning and last thing before crawling into bed at night.  We are in and out of the room several times during the day.  And, it happens to not only be the master bath but also our laundry room, so I really do spend quite a bit of time there.  It needs painted, decorated, and organized to make it a more comfortable place to be.

Here are some before pictures:

Looking into the bathroom from the doorway:

Our black sink that never seems to stay clean, and the walls I painted nearly 6 months ago:

The shower...the new shower curtain did make it up, thanks to my hsuband's impatience with me!

The toilet:

The messy, unorganized closet where all our dirty laundry, cleaning supplies, vacuum/mop, etc., etc. goes.  Oh, and there are no doors on it:

The washer and dry are behind those folding doors:

I have been working on it over the last week.  The entire bathroom now has one coat of pain on it, and I've started the second coat.  In the coming days, I'll be finishing the second coat, organizing the closet and putting up the doors, and hopefully finding some thrifty ways to add some nice decor to the room.

Wish me luck...I'll post after pictures when it is complete (and hopefully that won't take another 6 months!)

Focus on Bedtime

It has become abundantly clear to me that my children need a more structured bedtime routine.  As much as I love a good plan, I must admit we tend to be a family of spontaneity more often than not.  We say bedtime is 8:00, but that usually means 8:30 or 9:00 and sometimes 10:00.  I've noticed in the past couple weeks my children are having a harder time settling down to get to sleep, and the late nights do not mean that they will sleep later in the morning.  I have early risers...6:30 for a 2, 3 and 5-year-old is too early, in my opinion.  Heck, 6:30 is sometimes too early for me!  They are tired, though they'd never admit it.

So, in an attempt to help my children fall asleep faster and get a better night's rest, I have come up with a structured bedtime routine and we will begin implementing it this evening.  Here is my plan:

• 7:15-7:30 -- PJs on, teeth brushed, face and hands washed
• 7:30-8:00 -- Everyone on couch for one last TV show or reading time.
• 8:00-8:30 -- Kids to bed, say prayers, read bible story and one chapter from our current book
• 8:30         -- Goodnight hugs and kisses, everyone goes to sleep

This is our starting point.  I know things may need to be modified along the way and some rules may need to be set, but I'm determined to make this work.  I desire for my kids to be well-rested and healthy, and I believe I need to teach them good bedtime rituals so that they can learn to settle themselves down and fall asleep on their own. 

Sounds easy enough, but I fear it will be a struggle as we begin.  With three active, strong-willed children I will need a lot of patience and persistence, I'm sure. 

What bedtime rituals do you have with your children?  What does your bedtime routine look like, or maybe you don't have one?  I'd love to hear your ideas!

On Loving God More

"Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long." A.W. Tozer (The Pursuit of God)

I've often wandered how one can love God more.  Why it seems so hard to run to God.  I mean, shouldn't it be easy.  After all God has done for me, the way He has loved me, the blessings He has bestowed, the forgiveness I have received, shouldn't it be easy to run to God?  Shouldn't I wake each morning with words of gratitude and worship on my lips?  I want to...but I don't, not every day.

But how does one love more?  How does one walk fully in grace and repentance and thankfulness to a wonderful, merciful, holy, loving God?

"It does no good to muster up more love for God, to will yourself to love Him more......The answer lies in letting Him change you." Francis Chan (Crazy Love, pg. 103)

Is that the answer?  But don't I know this already?  I know I can't love God the way He deserves to be loved on my own strength and will.  I am merely human, and my love can never match His.  I know that only He can change me, and I know the only way He can is to let go and let Him do His work in me.  But why is it so hard?

And so I pray....to love God more, to let Him work in my life, to transform my being.

And, still, I have to make a choice.  I cannot simply pray and ask and sit back and expect the change to happen without any effort of my own.  The heart does not magically transform into a heart that runs towards God.  Indeed, the heart's natural reaction is to run away.  And so I choose to rise each morning before dawn breaks to soak in His word, reflect on His love, and pray.  When I wake still exhausted from the day before, wanting only to roll over, bury myself in the covers, and sleep hours more, I choose, instead, to rise anyway.  Isn't this a way of showing love?  Doing the thing anyway? 

In the beginning it feels this way.  It's hard work to love.  Giving up my selfish desires for more sleep, more time for myself, more...whatever keeps me from God...it isn't easy.  But I want to want God.  I want to love Him more.  I want to run to Him.  And so, in asking Him to change me into a woman who desires Him, I choose to let Him.  By making a choice.

"When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear....if we train ourselves to run toward our Refuge, toward Love, we are free....As we begin to focus more on Christ, loving Him and others becomes more natural." Francis Chan (Crazy Love, pg. 104)

"Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation. Practice, practice, practice." Ann Voskamp (One Thousand Gifts, pg. 39)

Is this the answer?  Training myself to run toward God?  Practicing prayer and thanksgiving?  Continuing on in perseverance toward a God who is Holy, Holy, Holy, yet desires intimate relationships with those whom He has called His own?

Yes, I think it may be.  Relying on God's strength to carry me through to the end, I can choose to train and practice prayer and thanksgiving as I grow ever closer to Him.  And, to this girl still learning and seeking and growing, this is the path that seems most clear.  As I continue to ask and train, ask and train.  Over and over again, until my very nature changes into one who has received what they have asked, running toward God, seeking Him daily, living fully in His grace.

One Thousand Gifts

Today, on my journey to refocus, I am going to be starting the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  I have been reading Ann's blog, Holy Experience, for some time now and always enjoy her writing, her insights, and her wisdom.  I've learned much from her and can't wait to begin this book.  I have decided that Mondays will be my day to record here on the blog my own One Thousand Gifts.  Starting today...

1. Quiet mornings spent with God.
2. Children sleeping past 6:30 in the morning.
3. Coffee...hot, delicious, caffeinated coffee.
4. Warm blankets to snuggle up in.
5. Hearing "Good morning, Mama" in the sweetest little voices.

It's just the beginning of this journey...to refocus, to gain wisdom, to seek God and all He is. Will you join me on my journey to One Thousand Gifts?

On Focus

Focus.  It's an interesting thing.

As a photographer, I have learned the importance of focus.  I have learned to manipulate an image to what I want it to be by choosing my point of focus.  I draw the attention of the viewer to what I decide is the most important part of the image by making sure my subject is in focus.  And in focusing on my subject, I can make all the unimportant parts of the image blur into the background.  Or, I can put an entire image into focus, letting the viewer take an entire scene for what it really is, making the background as important as what is right in front of me.

But what about in life? 

Daily life has a way of sweeping in and carrying us off to places we never intended.  Our focus turns to the next task to get done, the next project to accomplish, the next scheduled activity for the kids, and checking everything off all of our lists.  And while we don't intend to lose focus on the most important things, and we may not even realize that we have, somehow those things start to blur into the background.  We see them, we take them in, and we may even spend some time on them, but they are clearly not as important as those those things that are in focus...the things that take up our time and energy, but in the big picture don't really matter.

What if we refocused?

What if we brought the entire image back into focus?  Better yet, what if we brought the most important things into focus and let the rest of the stuff...the schedules, the projects, the lists...start to fade into the background.  What would our lives look like?  How would things change? 

How do we refocus?

Well, I'm starting by taking a good look at my life?  What are the things that are (or should be) the most important things in my life?  A clean house?  Checking everything off my to-do list?  Well-behaved children?  Finishing the good book I can't seem to put down?  Spending time on the internet?  No.  Those are things that are nice to have and do (especially the well-behaved children), but they are not the things I want most of my time and energy spent on.  When someone speaks of me, I don't want them to say, "Well, she has a really clean house and perfect kids, and she keeps everything together so well with all of her lists." 

So what are the things that matter most?

I've thought much about this, and these are things I want most of my time and energy going toward...

• My Children.  Not just having well-behaved, polite children.  I want children who are growing in their love for Christ.  I want children who see Christ's love for them in me.  I want fun, active, eager-to-learn and explore children.  Children who do not obey me because they are afraid of the punishment but because they have a heart for God and for me and want to obey.  Children who are good communicators and who speak openly to their parents, who aren't afraid to ask questions.  I want to spend time with my children.  Not just by ordering them around and disciplining them when they do wrong, but quality time of play and interaction.  Family trips, family projects, painting and coloring, reading, building, running, laughing.
• My Husband.  He is the head of our family.  God has placed him their, and I want to refocus my life in a way that honors and respects him in that position.  I want to love him that way Christ loves him.  I want to support him in the decisions he makes.  I want  to create an environment for him to come home to each night that is relaxing and inviting and offers him the sanctuary from the world that he sometimes needs.
• My Home.  Not that the focus will be that it is always clean.  Not that the toys are always put away, the dishes always done, and the floors always swept.  I want the focus on my home to be making it a warm, inviting, comfortable place for my family.  A safe haven from a world that can sometimes be harsh.  And I want it to have an open door for others who may also need a place to feel safe and comfortable as well.
• Other people.  This one is hard for me.  I am, by nature, more of an introvert.  I like being alone.  I'm not outspoken and don't approach new people.  But I want to see people the way Christ sees them. I want to connect with other people and develop close relationships.  I want to fellowship with other Christians.  I want to be open to sharing with non-Christians.  I want Christ's love to flow through me and reach out to those in need. 

So, again...how do we refocus?

How do I make sure my focus is on the right things?  How do I bring this entire scene into focus?  With my camera, I can adjust some settings and adjust the lens to place the focus exactly where I want it.  I'm in control.  But it doesn't work the same with life.  No, in life I'm the camera.  I'm the one who needs some adjustments and changes.  Someone else has to be in control.  In life, in order to bring all the other important things into focus, we need to give ourselves up and give God control.  If we choose to concentrate on just one thing...our relationship with our Heavenly Father...we can allow him to change us (adjust our settings, so to speak) and bring everything else into focus. 

So, really, refocusing is all about turning to Him...the Creator, the Savior, the Father, the Holy One...and giving Him control.  It's all about growing close to Him through his word and daily time spent together.  It's a choice we have to make, and sometimes a tough one for sure.  But I am convinced that if we choose to make time spent with God and His Word a priority in our lives, that if we focus on Him...we choose to make Him the main subject of our image...that soon we will begin to see changes in our lives.  We'll begin to see the entire picture clearly, and the things that matter most will become most clear to us while the rest begins to blur into the background.