Slow Down

I have to admit it...I thought it would be easier to count the gifts.  I thought that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop and my list would just grow longer and longer until I saw nothing but the gifts.  But it turns out it's not as easy as it sounds.  It's not easy to see the gifts when you are always busy, when life moves so fast.  And, really, does life need to move so fast?  Where is the joy in the constantly running and moving and trying to get things done?  It seems one could enjoy life more if one were able to just slow down.  And, so, this week I want to make a conscious effort to slow down.  To take in each moment.  To see more clearly what has been given to me.  To take the time to enjoy life...enjoy the gift.

17. Joy on son's face after earning a reward, and eagerness to keep working towards the next goal.
18. Younger son using the computer.
19. "Mama, I want a hug and kiss!"  Sweet, sweet words.
20. Sunshine and warmth, day spent outside.
21. Smell of fire warming our home.
22. Bible study friends and conversations.
23. Nena always helpful and willing to watch my crazy ones.
24. Internet not working.
25. Words inspiring and encouraging shown to me exactly when I need them.
26. Walking in on child doing exactly as he was told -- an unexpected surprise.
27. Husband returning home.
28. Afternoon spent with family.

Seeing the Gifts

"The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here! Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be -- unbelievably -- possible! The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now." Ann Voskamp (One Thousand Gifts, pg. 22)

I begin to feel a change in myself.  It's refreshing, it's exciting...A more peaceful house, because Mama begins focusing on the things to be grateful for.  Less yelling, more patience.  It's work.  Hard work.  And I need more practice.  But after one week of counting the gifts, I begin to feel a change.  Finding the gifts in the here and now, seeing God in the here and now...in my mess...I believe this is the start of a great journey.  And I continue to count...

6. Boy running from doors of school, big smiles, arms open wide for hug.
7. Sleeping until 8 a.m.
8. Rain to nourish the earth in expectation of spring.
9. Hot shower, uninterrupted by the pitter patter of little feet.
10. One child, quiet and content in grocery cart.
11. Jelly beans
12. Husband working hard to build playset, joy of children playing when it is done.

13. Butterfly in swimsuit twirling circles through house.
14. Imaginations wild -- house filled with firemen, policemen, superheroes, ballerinas, doctors, astronauts, and more.
15. All the orneriness in just one look.

16. Promise of spring seen in sprouts of green pushing through brown earth.

On Loving God More

"Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long." A.W. Tozer (The Pursuit of God)

I've often wandered how one can love God more.  Why it seems so hard to run to God.  I mean, shouldn't it be easy.  After all God has done for me, the way He has loved me, the blessings He has bestowed, the forgiveness I have received, shouldn't it be easy to run to God?  Shouldn't I wake each morning with words of gratitude and worship on my lips?  I want to...but I don't, not every day.

But how does one love more?  How does one walk fully in grace and repentance and thankfulness to a wonderful, merciful, holy, loving God?

"It does no good to muster up more love for God, to will yourself to love Him more......The answer lies in letting Him change you." Francis Chan (Crazy Love, pg. 103)

Is that the answer?  But don't I know this already?  I know I can't love God the way He deserves to be loved on my own strength and will.  I am merely human, and my love can never match His.  I know that only He can change me, and I know the only way He can is to let go and let Him do His work in me.  But why is it so hard?

And so I pray....to love God more, to let Him work in my life, to transform my being.

And, still, I have to make a choice.  I cannot simply pray and ask and sit back and expect the change to happen without any effort of my own.  The heart does not magically transform into a heart that runs towards God.  Indeed, the heart's natural reaction is to run away.  And so I choose to rise each morning before dawn breaks to soak in His word, reflect on His love, and pray.  When I wake still exhausted from the day before, wanting only to roll over, bury myself in the covers, and sleep hours more, I choose, instead, to rise anyway.  Isn't this a way of showing love?  Doing the thing anyway? 

In the beginning it feels this way.  It's hard work to love.  Giving up my selfish desires for more sleep, more time for myself, more...whatever keeps me from God...it isn't easy.  But I want to want God.  I want to love Him more.  I want to run to Him.  And so, in asking Him to change me into a woman who desires Him, I choose to let Him.  By making a choice.

"When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear....if we train ourselves to run toward our Refuge, toward Love, we are free....As we begin to focus more on Christ, loving Him and others becomes more natural." Francis Chan (Crazy Love, pg. 104)

"Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation. Practice, practice, practice." Ann Voskamp (One Thousand Gifts, pg. 39)

Is this the answer?  Training myself to run toward God?  Practicing prayer and thanksgiving?  Continuing on in perseverance toward a God who is Holy, Holy, Holy, yet desires intimate relationships with those whom He has called His own?

Yes, I think it may be.  Relying on God's strength to carry me through to the end, I can choose to train and practice prayer and thanksgiving as I grow ever closer to Him.  And, to this girl still learning and seeking and growing, this is the path that seems most clear.  As I continue to ask and train, ask and train.  Over and over again, until my very nature changes into one who has received what they have asked, running toward God, seeking Him daily, living fully in His grace.

One Thousand Gifts

Today, on my journey to refocus, I am going to be starting the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  I have been reading Ann's blog, Holy Experience, for some time now and always enjoy her writing, her insights, and her wisdom.  I've learned much from her and can't wait to begin this book.  I have decided that Mondays will be my day to record here on the blog my own One Thousand Gifts.  Starting today...

1. Quiet mornings spent with God.
2. Children sleeping past 6:30 in the morning.
3. Coffee...hot, delicious, caffeinated coffee.
4. Warm blankets to snuggle up in.
5. Hearing "Good morning, Mama" in the sweetest little voices.

It's just the beginning of this journey...to refocus, to gain wisdom, to seek God and all He is. Will you join me on my journey to One Thousand Gifts?